Hey guys. Do you know any good jokes? Well post them here and let everyone share your laughter.
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Got a Joke?
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Message [Page 1 of 1]
2 Re: Got a Joke? Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:33 am
Beckywolf
Admin
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
3 Re: Got a Joke? Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:37 am
Beckywolf
Admin
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should
appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened
to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all
his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The
doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload 'em??'
appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened
to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all
his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The
doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you
want me to unload 'em??'
4 Re: Got a Joke? Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:41 am
Beckywolf
Admin
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers
. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers
. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
5 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:26 am
Beckywolf
Admin
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.
His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.
His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
6 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:31 am
Beckywolf
Admin
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
Play Song
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
Play Song
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
7 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:35 am
Beckywolf
Admin
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
8 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:39 am
Beckywolf
Admin
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
they matched.
9 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:43 am
Beckywolf
Admin
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
10 Re: Got a Joke? Fri Jul 11, 2014 12:21 pm
Beckywolf
Admin
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt
11 Re: Got a Joke? Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:23 pm
matt.ingram86
Moderator
Q.how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh
A.Ten tickle
Now its time for another fun fact of the day brought to you all by herp de derp
Fact: Justin Bieber has 12 letters...
so does gayyyyyyyyyy.
Coincidence? I think not!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
A.Ten tickle
Now its time for another fun fact of the day brought to you all by herp de derp
Fact: Justin Bieber has 12 letters...
so does gayyyyyyyyyy.
Coincidence? I think not!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
12 Re: Got a Joke? Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:28 pm
matt.ingram86
Moderator
Ok some beiber bashing time
Justin Bieber Short Jokes Justin Bieber told police in Miami he had consumed alcohol, smoked marijuana, and taken some prescription drugs. Or what Toronto mayor Rob Ford calls, a "light Canadian snack."
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom? A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Q: Why is Justin Bieber so pale? A: Because theres no light in the closet!
Q: How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood begin? A: "A few months ago" Scientists have discovered a disease that lowers your intelligence by 90% Bieber Fever
Q: Why doesn't Justin Bieber eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: How did Justin Bieber hurt his head? A: He fell off a ladder trying to reach puberty! Q: What does Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Did you hear about Justin's cellmate new sextape? Its called "Leave It In Bieber"
Q: What does Justin Bieber and the New Years crowd at Time Square have in common? A: They’re both waiting for balls to drop!
Q: What will happen if you call Justin Bieber gay? A: He will slap you with his man purse. What do you call a Canadian girl who can't sing? Justin Bieber.
Q: What is Justin Bieber's new hit single? A: "If I were a Boy"
Q: What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga ? A: One of them has balls and it ain't Bieber.
Q: What do you call a girl with testitcles? A: Justin Bieber
Q: Why is it sometimes alright to judge a book by its cover? A: Sometimes it's named 'Justin Bieber', and you know its crap!
Q: Why is Justin Bieber like Ms. Pac-man! A: Just a token and she's ready to swallow!
Q: How hard is puberty going to hit Justin Bieber? A: Harder then Chris Brown hitting Rihanna! I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch dick, But it’s in his ass and belongs to Usher.
Q: What does Justin Biebers asshole and his mouth have in common? A: They both produce the same shit! If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could kill two birds with one stoner.
Q: Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A: A Snickers bar has nuts!
Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"? A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow! Q: If Eminem is the King of Rap, what is Justin Bieber? A: The Queen of Crap!
Q: What does Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? A: They both want to be real boys.
Q: What is the biggest lie of 2011? A: "Justin Bieber is the father of my Baby" - Mariah Yeater.
Q: What is Victoria's Secret? A: (whispering) Justin Bieber is gay! A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has "Bieber Fever" Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!
How do you piss off Justin Bieber? Tell him Santa Claus aint real. How do you REALLY piss him off? Punch him in the teeth & tell him the tooth fairy aint real! One Direction. The reason we should've killed Justin Bieber before it laid eggs.
Justin Bieber Short Jokes Justin Bieber told police in Miami he had consumed alcohol, smoked marijuana, and taken some prescription drugs. Or what Toronto mayor Rob Ford calls, a "light Canadian snack."
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom? A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Q: Why is Justin Bieber so pale? A: Because theres no light in the closet!
Q: How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood begin? A: "A few months ago" Scientists have discovered a disease that lowers your intelligence by 90% Bieber Fever
Q: Why doesn't Justin Bieber eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: How did Justin Bieber hurt his head? A: He fell off a ladder trying to reach puberty! Q: What does Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Did you hear about Justin's cellmate new sextape? Its called "Leave It In Bieber"
Q: What does Justin Bieber and the New Years crowd at Time Square have in common? A: They’re both waiting for balls to drop!
Q: What will happen if you call Justin Bieber gay? A: He will slap you with his man purse. What do you call a Canadian girl who can't sing? Justin Bieber.
Q: What is Justin Bieber's new hit single? A: "If I were a Boy"
Q: What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga ? A: One of them has balls and it ain't Bieber.
Q: What do you call a girl with testitcles? A: Justin Bieber
Q: Why is it sometimes alright to judge a book by its cover? A: Sometimes it's named 'Justin Bieber', and you know its crap!
Q: Why is Justin Bieber like Ms. Pac-man! A: Just a token and she's ready to swallow!
Q: How hard is puberty going to hit Justin Bieber? A: Harder then Chris Brown hitting Rihanna! I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch dick, But it’s in his ass and belongs to Usher.
Q: What does Justin Biebers asshole and his mouth have in common? A: They both produce the same shit! If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could kill two birds with one stoner.
Q: Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A: A Snickers bar has nuts!
Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"? A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow! Q: If Eminem is the King of Rap, what is Justin Bieber? A: The Queen of Crap!
Q: What does Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? A: They both want to be real boys.
Q: What is the biggest lie of 2011? A: "Justin Bieber is the father of my Baby" - Mariah Yeater.
Q: What is Victoria's Secret? A: (whispering) Justin Bieber is gay! A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has "Bieber Fever" Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!
How do you piss off Justin Bieber? Tell him Santa Claus aint real. How do you REALLY piss him off? Punch him in the teeth & tell him the tooth fairy aint real! One Direction. The reason we should've killed Justin Bieber before it laid eggs.
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